GWAR!

I walked into the Commodore as a Gwar virgin, and left the building surprisingly unscathed. I laid low at the back of the venue by the bar, but not because I wanted to devour my weekly earnings in a liquid dinner, but because I feared the mayhem this mosh pit would unleash. I was surrounded by metal heads, longhairs and scary bald guys with goatees who were probably still on parole. You could recognize someone who had seen Gwar before since they were decked out in white shirts that were previously stained from one of the past tours, and the rookies like us, were in blinding white t-shirts that were fresh for the carnage. There was a group or guys who showed up in painter’s jumpsuits with a Gwar logo on the back, a guy in fisherman’s hip waders, and a girl who adorned leather shoulder pads with large spikes on them. One guy accidently spilled some beer on me before the show and profusely apologized, to which I could only respond, “dude, we’re at a Gwar show, it’s expected, and there are going to be worse things spilled on me tonight.” In true rock fashion, there was even a fight that broke out before the show had begun, where the bouncers had to step in and remove someone from the venue.

I cannot honestly name you one Gwar song, and I highly doubt I am the only person at the show who couldn’t, people don’t go see Gwar for their amazing thrash metal songs, they go see them for their live performance. With fewer hits even than KISS, but just as much stage presence, Gwar took the stage after their “countdown to death” ended, turning this rock show into a wrestling arena, complete with rings on the stage. We were greeted by Steve Wilcos, who got beheaded on stage much like the nurse from the movie “Dead Alive” in which blood gushed out of his neck. Steve still had his head attached by a string to his body, and it dangled on his back like a knapsack. We also got to see the real fight between Barrack Obama and John McCain over the American presidency. McCain got his guts ripped out and he was beaten with them, while Obama was beheaded with a five foot sword and blood sprayed at all the fans in the audience. Hilary Clinton also joined the wrestling ring, but had her breasts ripped off, which shot even more blood into the mosh pit.



The members of Gwar were rocking out in their crazy outfits, one which looked like a mix between a Trojan warrior and a stegosaurus. They brought a giant gun on stage, which looked like the kind of immobile gun you would find positioned in a water park, only as in pure Gwar style, this one sprayed blood. The venue had actually put carpeting on the floor so that attendees would not slip due to the floor being covered with fluid, and they had also covered the ceiling in plastic, so that the thousands of dollars in lighting equipment would not get damaged from the spray. They taped up the pillars with plastic as well, all the way back to the bar, which made me wonder if their sound check included a shooting test to see how far they could go.

The show ended with the Reaganator, which was a giant robotic Ronald Reagan, who had his chest slashed open to reveal a baby inside which was sacrificed by the five foot sword. The baby was taken out of the Reaganator and cut in half and used to beat the giant robot with, before they finally ripped Reagan’s arms off and the grand finale of blood poured over the audience. With such elaborate costumes, body paint and blood, would anyone even recognize these guys if they ran into them on the street? “How did you recognize me without my thirty inch cock spraying blood and jizz in your face?” Not to mention the fact that only Oderus Urungus (Dave Brockie) is the only original member of the band, so even if you did recognize one of the members, you’d have to figure out if they were a current or former one. The show wasn’t as loud as I had thought it was going to be, however it could be attributed to my old age and consistent rock show attendance, but it definitely wasn’t a text-message-the-person-next-to-you show because you couldn’t possibly yell loud enough. That being said, I would recommend earplugs for when you do see Gwar play, because after you see them once, you’re going to want to get jizzed on again and again.